RBDSM: The Dating Framework You Didn’t Know You Needed
Dating is thrilling, messy, tender, and confusing—sometimes all in the same night. Most of us assume chemistry will carry us through, but without clear communication, chemistry can turn into misunderstanding or heartbreak.
That’s where RBDSM comes in.
This framework brings structure to something we were never taught: how to talk about relationships, sex, and intimacy in a way that feels clear, honest, and grounded.
RBDSM stands for:
R – Relationship
B – Boundaries
D – Desires
S – Sexual Health
M – Meaning
Think of it like a pre-flight checklist before intimacy. Far from killing the vibe, it deepens it. Transparency is sexy.
R = Relationship
“What kind of relationship are you available for right now?” Naming it upfront prevents false expectations and quiet resentment.
Examples:
“I’m single and open to exploring.”
“I’m partnered, but our container is open with clear agreements.”
“I’m dating multiple people and committed to honesty with all of them.”
“I’m monogamous and looking for long-term partnership.”
💡 Clarity here = freedom later.
B = Boundaries
Boundaries are what protect your nervous system and create safety. Without them, desire can’t flourish.
Examples:
“I don’t want to have sex without a condom.”
“I’m open to kissing and touching, but not penetration.”
“No bruises or marks on my body.”
“I need to keep my clothes on this time.”
💡 Boundaries are not walls—they are invitations into what’s possible.
D = Desires
Desire is vulnerable territory. It asks us to voice what we actually want, not what we think the other person wants to hear.
Examples:
“I want you to take things slow with me tonight.”
“I’d love more foreplay and attention on my whole body.”
“I desire to explore kink with you.”
“I’d like to go on more dates together and see where this leads.”
💡 Sometimes your desires won’t line up—and that’s okay. Naming them is the only way to find out.
S = Sexual Health
Sexy and responsible. This is where you talk about testing, safer sex practices, and what you need to feel secure.
Questions to ask:
“When was your last STI panel and what did it include?”
“Do you typically use condoms or barriers?”
“If you’ve had a positive result in the past, how are you taking care of it now?”
💡 It might feel awkward at first, but it’s far less awkward than dealing with something you didn’t consent to.
M = Meaning
Every encounter carries meaning, whether spoken or unspoken. Naming it keeps everyone in integrity.
Examples:
“I’m here for fun and exploration.”
“I’m looking for deeper emotional connection.”
“I’m not looking for a relationship.”
“I’d like this to grow into something long-term.”
💡 Meaning isn’t a contract—it’s clarity.
Bonus: Aftercare
Aftercare isn’t just for kink. It’s for anyone who wants to feel good after intimacy too.
You can ask:
“Do you like cuddling after sex or space to yourself?”
“Would you like me to check in tomorrow?”
“What helps you feel cared for after intimacy?”
Why RBDSM Matters
When you use RBDSM, you’re not just protecting yourself—you’re creating a container where desire, trust, and play can actually flourish.
Without clarity, dating is a guessing game. With clarity, you can relax into connection.
R = Relationship | B = Boundaries | D = Desires | S = Sexual Health | M = Meaning
Because communication isn’t just practical. It’s hot.
Ready to Practice?
✨ This is the exact kind of tool I teach clients to use in their dating and intimacy lives. If you’d like support getting clearer on your boundaries, desires, and communication in relationships, let’s work together.